Father's day

It's still Father's day. This afternoon, we went to visit a dead uncle's grave. While we were there, I took the chance to remember my dad. I imagined I was standing over my parents' graves instead. I had a sudden flashback and what I saw surprised me.

I was 10 years old and we just laid my mother to her grave. I don't remember anything else other than seeing my dad holding on to one of the tent posts, crying. I remember thinking I have never seen him like that. I remember being worried about how we'll do after that. I remember holding my sister's hand. She was just a bit older than A is now.

And then it occurred to me: I have no memory of how the following days went by. I can't remember how we coped. I don't remember my dad mourning. I don't know how long before he went back to work. I just know that he did. He wasn't a husband anymore, but he had to go on being a father. I won't say he's perfect. He had his shortcomings, but I can't blame him. It hadn't been easy for him. But now I know, everything he did, he was trying to be a good father.

When I was in high school, I went to a friend's house one weekend to do a project. It was storming, but I went ahead anyway. That night, I couldn't go home because there was a flash flood. I was stranded. I could have stayed over at my friend's house, but my dad wouldn't have it. Never mind that he had to drive through floods and heavy traffic, he went to come get me.

And he never asked for anything in return. When we were young, he always told us that we don't owe him anything. He's always said what we owe him for raising us, we owe to our children to raise them well. He never went back on his word. We've never heard anything, not even a suggestion that we had obligations to him. He'd always say, "Ipunin nyo na lang para sa mga bata." When we'd shower him with gifts, he'd say, "Ang dami ko nang utang sa iyo." When I suggested he retire and we'll take care of his expenses, he shrugged me off. "Kaya ko pang magtrabaho, mag-ipon na lang kayo."

I don't know of anybody more selfless than that.

Happy father's day, dad.

Unlucky

I don't believe in psychic, palm, tarot or any of those kinds of readings. At least, that's what I've been telling myself to think.

I've always wanted to believe that life is what we make it. Part of our destinies might have been determined for us even before we were born, but what is life if you just follow a preordained path? Where is the challenge if it's already been decided anyway, even before you've begun? Why even try, if in the end, your efforts might not have anything to do with what has been kept in store? I don't know.

Don't get me wrong. What fate drives my way, I take with all my heart. I fight my battles and make the most of it. But I still want to think that they were handed to me as a consequence of my actions in the past. Not because it is paving a path toward what and where I should be in the future. What I would be in the future should be but a consequence of my actions today. But is that really the case?

I've had friends who've dabbled in penmanship writing, card reading, palm reading and that sort of stuff. I would always be a willing victim because I'm a curious cat. And you know what they say about curiosity and cats, right?

Of all those times, I've never heard a good word. Most of them were even morbid. One of my friends, I had to force for him to actually tell me what he saw in my cards. He said it was too morbid for him to even want to say it. I told him I thought that was unfair and that I deserved to know. Those were my cards. But all those things I heard, I pushed at the back of my mind. I didn't want to be held prisoner by what I knew, morbid or not.

What got me thinking is that the last of those morbid "predictions" has already come true. It took longer than I thought. Close to 15 years, I would say. But they all did. So, what's next? Did it end there because that was only how far they saw? Or is it because at that time, that was only how far my actions went? Of course, I'm hoping it would be the latter.